I ask for nothing I can get by, but I know so many less lucky than I.

I am not a religious person. But maybe I want to be. I just dont know how. The problem with me believing in god now would be that I would be believing in him because he'd help me. And I dont want god to help me, I want him to help the people who need it. I know a lot of people who need it more than I do.

Look...

I dont want to turn to god in a crisis and expect him to save me. That just doesnt seem right to me. If and when I believe in god I want to do it without getting anything in return. I would want to do it because I want to do it and because I think its the right thing for me to do.

Ahhh I dont know how to explain it.

And the reason I got turned off on religion was in the first place was because I havent meet a lot of nice religious people. Most of them say Im going to hell or im the devil. And they act like theyre so righteous and better than other people just because they believe in god. And they treat people who are different than them so badly. And theyre hiprocrites preaching all this stuff and than completely ignoring their own words when it relates to themselves. And theyre ignorant hating and fearing anything they dont understand. And thats not right.

Obviously not all religious people are like that. But still the ones Ive met are. I dont know it just ruined religion for me at a young age, and I never really got back into it. But seeing the people around you so judgemental... I just never wanted to turn out like that.

When I was younger I thought of it like "If I believe in god I have at act like they do." And of course I didnt want that. But now that Im older Ive figured out that being like that isnt part of the religion.


I thought we all were children of god.

Pipe+lighter+previous drug problems = VERY BAD

[David]
Pipe+lighter+previous drug problems = VERY BAD.
paranoia
seriously... its no big deal
[David]
No, that's a big deal.
paranoia
how so?
[David]
Well, why did you have that pipe?
paranoia
no reason
[David]
I call bullshit.
paranoia
lol why do you think i had it?
[David]
Drugs. It was a rhetorical question, for the most part.
paranoia
wow. I got it from a friend, I was just holding it for the most part
[David]
*snickers a little*
[David]
While i somewhat believe you hear, it's just kind of funny that, inadvertently, you used one of the oldest excuses in the book
paranoia
lol yeah i know it seems bad, they said i could use it. so now im trying to resist the urge to... not fun


So Im holding a pipe for my friend because his parents are checking him and his room because they think hes using drugs. So I said I would hold it for him. NOT a good idea. Im trying to stop using drugs and now I have a pipe and a lighter. So Im really trying to not use it. And david said if I he heard about me doing anything bad he wont come over anymore. I really dont want that. So I cant do anything bad. Wow I had no idea how hard it would be to stop doing all the bad things i do at once. None of the shit Ive done I can do anymore. Im at a lost of what to do. What do people do instead of the things I do? The things I do everyday that I thought were no bid deal apparently matter now. How weird...

So yeah Im NOT going to screw up this time. Im running out of chances here and Im not going to mess this one up. I just wish it wasnt so fucking hard. Oh well

im going to be an optimist

I hate being a pessimist. Its so fucking depressing and hateful, I dont want to be like that... so Im NOT going to be like that. I keep thinking I have nothing left to lose and then I lose something I thought I never had. But I never appreciated it while I still had it... Thats messed up. I dont want that to happen again. So Im definately going to try and be more positive, or at least try and be less negative. So I got my work cut out for me... lol wow im negative



Boo fuckin hoo you're not the only one whose live's a piece of shit
And yet miraculously somehow we all seem to deal with it
Did anybody think that you would really seriously slit your wrists
In fact I think that everybody thinks you're seriously full of shit

It's time you invested in a bottle of poison
So we don't have to hear about you bitchin and moanin
You think you could afford a fuckin bottle of asprin

Live to be happy or kill yourself. Theres no point in living to be miserable.

what brothers are for

shaun is turnig out to be an interesting older brother. Hes completely grilling my friend david about his intentions with me. And when he found out I overdosed he freaked out. Telling me to stop and tons of things Ive already heard before. When I asked him to give me a good reason to stop he said because i could die and because its illegal. Either way I dont really care. He found out I cut and said he cant stop me but he would like it if i stop. He knows some of the things Ive been through, and he gave me really good advice...

his advice was fuck the past. You cant do anything to change it or make it better. But you can make your present and future.

my ideas on that are basically the same except I live for the present because I dont see me liivng long enough to have a future. And I dont really know why that is. I just dont think I have a future.

I have an important meeting with my school tomorrow. So im going to overdose tomorrow and try and get a buzz so I dont freak out too much.

new brother

so my brother diego has had a friend staying over for a few days. All I was told was that he was having family problems. Today I found out his parents kicked him out. And shaun (diego friend) already thinks of us as his new family, and that this is his new house. lol hes acting like Im his younger sister and hes proctecting me from a friend/boyfriend (along with diego). lol so things are definatly interesting.

Shaun never plans on going back. My parents dont know that yet... But theyre probably going to be okay with it. My mom had similar problems with her parents. When she was 14 she got kicked out/ran away. She got a job pretending she was 17 (shes where I got my older looks from, lol I can pass for 18 and im 15) and she got her own place, dropped out of school.Well anyway I like him living here, diegos a lot happier and hes a good kid. Its weird that while one brother moves out a new "brother" moves in.

normalcy is key

Thanks to the advice of a friend Im trying to turn my life around. But in a way I havent tried before. Just get out and be normal. lol its been a long time since Ive done anything remotely normal. Or even hang out with my family or friendds. Its was just so depressing being by yourself all the time, even when I didnt have to be. I isolated myself from them and dont know why. It wasnt even a really concious descision. So anyway today I went grocery shopping with my brother. I havent hung out with him in forever and it felt good. Especially since hes going off to join the army soon this was one of my last chances. And I almost didnt take it but Im glad I did. (thanks matt). lol we were driving and in the car we were singing along to the radio and dancing like crazy people with all the other drivers were looking at us like we were crazy. I miss acting crazy and doing fun things. So know Im going to try and get out more and even hang out with some friends who I havent spoken to in months ( i seem to push people away when Im depressed). But apparently they missed me so Im making plans to go to the mall and see a movie with some friends. lol Im even going to hang out with my mom. weve got literally ten hours of christmas stuff recorded on tivo that we still havent watched, so on my moms day off were going to watch so of it. Ahhh I got to go. Me and my brother (brother and I?) are going to watch tv. see ya...

it never lasts

The feeling that makes you want to change. It comes so suddenly out of nowhere, and dissappears just as quickly. Im tired of this. I havent overdosed in two and a half days. Todays been hell. I see no point in feeling like this. Why would I want to feel like this? Why would anyone want to feel like this? If you had a choice between feeling bad and doing something that makes you feel good, wouldnt you choose the thing that makes you feel good? Well thats what pills are for me. Theyre an escape. Its what makes you feel good when everything else has failed. I really just want to take all the pills that have left. But somethings stopping me. Or its more of some people are stopping me. And Im mad at them for it. Theyre stopping me from doing what I want to do. From doing something that will make me happy. I dont know what to do