normalcy is key

Thanks to the advice of a friend Im trying to turn my life around. But in a way I havent tried before. Just get out and be normal. lol its been a long time since Ive done anything remotely normal. Or even hang out with my family or friendds. Its was just so depressing being by yourself all the time, even when I didnt have to be. I isolated myself from them and dont know why. It wasnt even a really concious descision. So anyway today I went grocery shopping with my brother. I havent hung out with him in forever and it felt good. Especially since hes going off to join the army soon this was one of my last chances. And I almost didnt take it but Im glad I did. (thanks matt). lol we were driving and in the car we were singing along to the radio and dancing like crazy people with all the other drivers were looking at us like we were crazy. I miss acting crazy and doing fun things. So know Im going to try and get out more and even hang out with some friends who I havent spoken to in months ( i seem to push people away when Im depressed). But apparently they missed me so Im making plans to go to the mall and see a movie with some friends. lol Im even going to hang out with my mom. weve got literally ten hours of christmas stuff recorded on tivo that we still havent watched, so on my moms day off were going to watch so of it. Ahhh I got to go. Me and my brother (brother and I?) are going to watch tv. see ya...

it never lasts

The feeling that makes you want to change. It comes so suddenly out of nowhere, and dissappears just as quickly. Im tired of this. I havent overdosed in two and a half days. Todays been hell. I see no point in feeling like this. Why would I want to feel like this? Why would anyone want to feel like this? If you had a choice between feeling bad and doing something that makes you feel good, wouldnt you choose the thing that makes you feel good? Well thats what pills are for me. Theyre an escape. Its what makes you feel good when everything else has failed. I really just want to take all the pills that have left. But somethings stopping me. Or its more of some people are stopping me. And Im mad at them for it. Theyre stopping me from doing what I want to do. From doing something that will make me happy. I dont know what to do

im not high

Its been a day and a half since Ive gotten high. And I feel pretty good. Even though Im still feeling a little bit of the withdrawls. I dont know I feel kind of good that I stopped. Almost like Im normal... Things are pretty good right now.

Ive been eating more and sleeping a lot more. My eyes are a little red but not bloodshot. And I finally have the taste of blood out of my mouth. lol I never thought Id be happy once I stopped getting high. I hope it continues to be like this. Ive promised some friends that I wont use any other drugs or hang out with any bad people until i get my life together. I remember when I said I was too tired to keep getting back up every time i fall. But now I feel like I finally have the strength to do it. And that I can do it.

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am
Flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

blessing in disguise?

Yeah so Im running out of pills. And of course I purposely (purposefully?) spent all my money so I couldnt buy any more pills. And when my parents found out I overdose they stopped buying medicine. So Im freaking out. I havent overdosed at all today and its killing me. How can people live like this? Withdraws are crazy. I only have enough pills for two more days of being high. So I have to get a job or something. Actually I might know a guy who I could get high with. lol but hes like 23 but he likes me. Hes tried sleeping with me before. lol he thinks im a hooker (long story) but hes willing to give me money and pills. He wants to hang out and get drunk and party and stuff. Hes a fun guy. He wants to take me to dinner and then back to his place. So whenever I feel like shit I can just go someplace with him.

So yeah my brother found matches in my room. But hes not going to tell my parents. He says hes going to give me a chance to give him all the things I shouldnt have and i wont get in trouble for them. Hes the one who found the beer lol. I wouldnt be in this mess if I bothered to hide the things I shouldnt have. I just fucking leave them out and dont care...

lol I dont think theres much of anything left that I shouldnt have. No more alcohol, no matches, and Im running out of the pills... So yeah...

against all odds

Okay so this is what im going to do...
Im going to wait unitl I dont feel the efrects of the drugs, and then Im going to go three days without overdosing. Then Im going to see if I actually like living my life without getting high. I dont think I will. But Im willing to give it a chance. Even if I do go back to getting high I wont do it everyday. lol my body cant take it. I just have to get through the withdraws. Right now is usually when i would take more pills, but im not going to. lol im shaking. Whatever I have to stop. Some part of me knows that but still a bigger part wants to keep doing it. So yeah the next few days are going to be hell... but ill survive. I think Im going to end up cracking though. Its just so easy to get high. lol I know thats no exscuse...

this time...

i took four times the dose (presciption), and then three times the other dosage. I did it at like 5:00 am this morning and now its 4:30. Like I said I passed out three times. I cant walk without drawing a lot of attention to myself. I sorta just collaspe...so Ive stayed in bed all day listening to music. Its been pretty fun. Coming in and out of realiy is a blast. So much fun. But I can feel the effects starting to wear off a little. lol now I can walk...sorta...and I can actually have a conversation. my thinking is a little messed up, but whatever. I havent eaten in three days but Im not hungry at all. lol this is great. hmmmm.... I guess its bad. I dont know Ive always been underweight for my age and size but now Im seriously skinny. Like Ive almost been diagnosed with any eating disorder. But its just the pills they make me lose my appetitte. Yeah well... I have no idea what Im talking about anymore... so yeah

drugged out panda

I wasnt able to fall asleep until 6:00 am. Then I slept till 8:00 am. Im not very tired... still look like a drugged out panda... I overdosed on some over the counter stuff (no prescription yet). Im debating wheither (sp) or not to overdose some more or if I should take a break from yesterday. I dont want to push my luck or anything... hmmmm... But I really want to do it. The good part of the trip was fucking amazing. The bad part was terrifying at first but then that became tolerable and almost fun... But I could do without coughing up the blood. I cant get the taste of blood out of my mouth. It fucked me up for a day, but now I feel better... Im ready to do it again.

its 10:00 pm:

Pills fuck you up. Anybody thinking about overdosing please dont. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite...its just that you dont want to end up like me. If youre going to do it then make sure its what you really want. You have to want it. You have to know its going to fuck you up and still want it anyway. Im overdosing because I love it and I know its fucking me up... but I want it to. Yeah I know Im selfdestructive... When Im all fucked up I feel like shit... but then afterwards I look back on it and laugh. And Im even starting to enjoy this fucked up feeling. I dont know... Im high now I dont think Im making much sense. Oh well... anyway... Im going to take three times my prescription meds again and overdose some more on the headache medicine. I want this, and I dont want to stop.

So far Ive passed out three times.I still cant make my body do what I want it to do. And everytime I walk I collaspe. lol my stomaches killing me. I fucking deserve it. Im losing touch with reality but its pretty fun... Im laughing at everything but I need to calm down... my friends are starting to realize somethings going on with me. And they cant find out, they freaked out when they found out I was a cutter. And I know its because they care. But they shouldnt care. When you care about things you get hurt. They handled it badly, but I guess Im being unfair they have no experice with this kind of thing and theyre doing the best they can... Still I wish people would stop caring about me, all I do is hurt them yet they still love me... I dont get it. One of these days Im going to push them to far and Im going to lose them. Its like what do I have to do to make them finally give up on me... they shouldnt care

Alkaline trio- private eye. lol i got that song stuck in my head...



theres no ring, no ring on the phone anymore. theres no reason to call im passed out on the floor. smoked myself stupid and drank my insides rasin dry. I wont have to quit doing fucked up shit for anyone but me.