Saturday, January 31, 2009

normalcy is key

Thanks to the advice of a friend Im trying to turn my life around. But in a way I havent tried before. Just get out and be normal. lol its been a long time since Ive done anything remotely normal. Or even hang out with my family or friendds. Its was just so depressing being by yourself all the time, even when I didnt have to be. I isolated myself from them and dont know why. It wasnt even a really concious descision. So anyway today I went grocery shopping with my brother. I havent hung out with him in forever and it felt good. Especially since hes going off to join the army soon this was one of my last chances. And I almost didnt take it but Im glad I did. (thanks matt). lol we were driving and in the car we were singing along to the radio and dancing like crazy people with all the other drivers were looking at us like we were crazy. I miss acting crazy and doing fun things. So know Im going to try and get out more and even hang out with some friends who I havent spoken to in months ( i seem to push people away when Im depressed). But apparently they missed me so Im making plans to go to the mall and see a movie with some friends. lol Im even going to hang out with my mom. weve got literally ten hours of christmas stuff recorded on tivo that we still havent watched, so on my moms day off were going to watch so of it. Ahhh I got to go. Me and my brother (brother and I?) are going to watch tv. see ya...

Friday, January 30, 2009

it never lasts

The feeling that makes you want to change. It comes so suddenly out of nowhere, and dissappears just as quickly. Im tired of this. I havent overdosed in two and a half days. Todays been hell. I see no point in feeling like this. Why would I want to feel like this? Why would anyone want to feel like this? If you had a choice between feeling bad and doing something that makes you feel good, wouldnt you choose the thing that makes you feel good? Well thats what pills are for me. Theyre an escape. Its what makes you feel good when everything else has failed. I really just want to take all the pills that have left. But somethings stopping me. Or its more of some people are stopping me. And Im mad at them for it. Theyre stopping me from doing what I want to do. From doing something that will make me happy. I dont know what to do

Thursday, January 29, 2009

im not high

Its been a day and a half since Ive gotten high. And I feel pretty good. Even though Im still feeling a little bit of the withdrawls. I dont know I feel kind of good that I stopped. Almost like Im normal... Things are pretty good right now.

Ive been eating more and sleeping a lot more. My eyes are a little red but not bloodshot. And I finally have the taste of blood out of my mouth. lol I never thought Id be happy once I stopped getting high. I hope it continues to be like this. Ive promised some friends that I wont use any other drugs or hang out with any bad people until i get my life together. I remember when I said I was too tired to keep getting back up every time i fall. But now I feel like I finally have the strength to do it. And that I can do it.

I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

blessing in disguise?

Yeah so Im running out of pills. And of course I purposely (purposefully?) spent all my money so I couldnt buy any more pills. And when my parents found out I overdose they stopped buying medicine. So Im freaking out. I havent overdosed at all today and its killing me. How can people live like this? Withdraws are crazy. I only have enough pills for two more days of being high. So I have to get a job or something. Actually I might know a guy who I could get high with. lol but hes like 23 but he likes me. Hes tried sleeping with me before. lol he thinks im a hooker (long story) but hes willing to give me money and pills. He wants to hang out and get drunk and party and stuff. Hes a fun guy. He wants to take me to dinner and then back to his place. So whenever I feel like shit I can just go someplace with him.

So yeah my brother found matches in my room. But hes not going to tell my parents. He says hes going to give me a chance to give him all the things I shouldnt have and i wont get in trouble for them. Hes the one who found the beer lol. I wouldnt be in this mess if I bothered to hide the things I shouldnt have. I just fucking leave them out and dont care...

lol I dont think theres much of anything left that I shouldnt have. No more alcohol, no matches, and Im running out of the pills... So yeah...

against all odds

Okay so this is what im going to do...
Im going to wait unitl I dont feel the efrects of the drugs, and then Im going to go three days without overdosing. Then Im going to see if I actually like living my life without getting high. I dont think I will. But Im willing to give it a chance. Even if I do go back to getting high I wont do it everyday. lol my body cant take it. I just have to get through the withdraws. Right now is usually when i would take more pills, but im not going to. lol im shaking. Whatever I have to stop. Some part of me knows that but still a bigger part wants to keep doing it. So yeah the next few days are going to be hell... but ill survive. I think Im going to end up cracking though. Its just so easy to get high. lol I know thats no exscuse...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

this time...

i took four times the dose (presciption), and then three times the other dosage. I did it at like 5:00 am this morning and now its 4:30. Like I said I passed out three times. I cant walk without drawing a lot of attention to myself. I sorta just Ive stayed in bed all day listening to music. Its been pretty fun. Coming in and out of realiy is a blast. So much fun. But I can feel the effects starting to wear off a little. lol now I can walk...sorta...and I can actually have a conversation. my thinking is a little messed up, but whatever. I havent eaten in three days but Im not hungry at all. lol this is great. hmmmm.... I guess its bad. I dont know Ive always been underweight for my age and size but now Im seriously skinny. Like Ive almost been diagnosed with any eating disorder. But its just the pills they make me lose my appetitte. Yeah well... I have no idea what Im talking about anymore... so yeah

Monday, January 26, 2009

drugged out panda

I wasnt able to fall asleep until 6:00 am. Then I slept till 8:00 am. Im not very tired... still look like a drugged out panda... I overdosed on some over the counter stuff (no prescription yet). Im debating wheither (sp) or not to overdose some more or if I should take a break from yesterday. I dont want to push my luck or anything... hmmmm... But I really want to do it. The good part of the trip was fucking amazing. The bad part was terrifying at first but then that became tolerable and almost fun... But I could do without coughing up the blood. I cant get the taste of blood out of my mouth. It fucked me up for a day, but now I feel better... Im ready to do it again.

its 10:00 pm:

Pills fuck you up. Anybody thinking about overdosing please dont. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite...its just that you dont want to end up like me. If youre going to do it then make sure its what you really want. You have to want it. You have to know its going to fuck you up and still want it anyway. Im overdosing because I love it and I know its fucking me up... but I want it to. Yeah I know Im selfdestructive... When Im all fucked up I feel like shit... but then afterwards I look back on it and laugh. And Im even starting to enjoy this fucked up feeling. I dont know... Im high now I dont think Im making much sense. Oh well... anyway... Im going to take three times my prescription meds again and overdose some more on the headache medicine. I want this, and I dont want to stop.

So far Ive passed out three times.I still cant make my body do what I want it to do. And everytime I walk I collaspe. lol my stomaches killing me. I fucking deserve it. Im losing touch with reality but its pretty fun... Im laughing at everything but I need to calm down... my friends are starting to realize somethings going on with me. And they cant find out, they freaked out when they found out I was a cutter. And I know its because they care. But they shouldnt care. When you care about things you get hurt. They handled it badly, but I guess Im being unfair they have no experice with this kind of thing and theyre doing the best they can... Still I wish people would stop caring about me, all I do is hurt them yet they still love me... I dont get it. One of these days Im going to push them to far and Im going to lose them. Its like what do I have to do to make them finally give up on me... they shouldnt care

Alkaline trio- private eye. lol i got that song stuck in my head...

theres no ring, no ring on the phone anymore. theres no reason to call im passed out on the floor. smoked myself stupid and drank my insides rasin dry. I wont have to quit doing fucked up shit for anyone but me.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ive really done it this time...

Ive taken three times the dose of my meds. Their prescription too. And I overdosed on some headache medicine, I feel like none of this is real and Im dreaming. Im coming in and out of reality. Im in a whole different world. Im really out of. I overdosed at three and Im still feeling the effects at eleven. I cant walk and my bodys not moving the way I want it to. I cant feel my legs and I cant really move them. Its scaring me so badly. I have to keep telling myself Im not dreaming. Im trying to convince myself its not a dream. I dont think its a dream because its way to realistic and there are so many details. But I still cant help feeling disconnected from everything. Im seriously scared to go to sleep. Im scared I will never wake up. I have to keep moving and not fall asleep. But Im so tired. Im just scared.

1:30 am:

I was tired but now Im not. I just cant sleep. Overdosing is starting to take its toll on me. I havent been sleeping since I started overdosing again. So I have huge bags under my eyes. I look like a panda lol. Im starting to look paler, Im losing weight because I havent been eating, And my eyes are red. So now Im really starting to look like a druggie...

5:20 am ish:

Wow. Im still out of it. Still coming in and out of reality (I took more pills) but its not freaking me out anymore. So yeah... I guess I got used to it. Now Im shaking and my bodys moving and Im not telling it to... so yeah. Ive given up on the idea of sleeping today. Its probably not going to happen... I keep tasting blood... for some reason blood is collecting in my mouth...sorry if thats too much information... My reflection is still shocking me I look so sickly...

Im a screw up

Its no fucking secret. I always screw up. Why the hell should I try anymore? Theres only so many times you can fall down and get back up... really....Im tired of this. Im tired of all this shit. Im tired of this life. Im not going to get back up this time. I dont deserve a good life anyway. I really dont, Ive done way too many things wrong.

5:00 am ish I cant go to sleep and feel like Im going to throw up... the guilt is killing me

Saturday, January 24, 2009

pills pills pills

11:00 am or so :

I just overdosed on three different types of medicine (over the counter), and some random pills that I dont know what they are, but Im hopeing for a buzz. No prescription. No biggie...
yeah i dont care. Im not taking anything dangerous or anything. I will admit that I usually take a lot though, and mulitple times throughout the day. I like being high all the time. And theres nothing wrong with being high all day. Just spend the day getting high, and when I come down I just go to sleep. Then wake up and get high again. Its a wonderful feeling and its not a bad life. Its my life and I like it. Ive made my decision and I feel good. Not that I feel like I made the right decision, because I probably didnt. But I also dont think I made the wrong decision. I think we all have to make difficult decisions. And now that Ive made mine Im not going back on it. Tonight Im going to get some alcohol and some pills to get a real buzz. But dont worry, im going to be safe. Im not going to be stupid or anything. I know what to do, Ive done it before. I know exactly what pill combination I need, and how much. So yeah todays going to be a good day.

12: 30 ish :

Wow, for anyone thinking about overdosing make sure you eat something. You shouldnt do it on an empty stomach, trust me. I did and I was stupid. My stomach is killing me. Ive tried walking, big mistake. I collasped and just layed there for a little while. Ive got a monster headache, my muscles are acting up on me (theyre not really doing what I want them to do, typing right now is a challenge and it feels awkward.) I feel like Im going to throw up and pass out and im tired. But is was so worth the feeling, and I dont regret it. I just regret not eating. Well anyway Im going to go take some more and sleep it off.

3:29 pm:

Im bored and Im probably going to go start a fire. Yeah I know Im letting the evil side of me out. But I found matches and I havent started a fire in a long time...
So yeah, Im just going to go set some recycling on fire. lol its not like Im going to go set a building on fire, Im not one of those pyros...
Im listening to bad religion right now, awesome band...
I passed out for an hour, woke up, and my stomach still hurts. Still dont regret it though. I took some more pills. My hearts beating very fast. It feels good though, like invigorating almost. I feel like I can do anything and nothing can stop me. I love this feeling. So far todays been good.

8:10 pm ish :

Wow. I think I might have gotten carried away and taken too much. I just kept popping more pills throughout the day thinking just a little bit more...
I probably took to much, no more pills tonight.
Wow my stomachs killing me, I havent overdosed in a long time and forgot how much my body could take. Well at least now I know. I think it was the ibuprofen that did it...

9:4o pm ish

Fuck it, Im taking some more pills. Im addicted to this, Im not going to lie. I just keep taking more and more, all the while telling myself "this is last time, no more today" and then I just go right on and take another handful. Im hopeless. But whatever Im high. Thats all that matters. I like blogging when Im high, even if all I have to say is discouraging Im still so freaking happy. Yeah well... oh well...

4 :00 am ish

lol I took too much and now I cant go to sleep I havent slept at all. Damn it Im sorry matt...

Friday, January 23, 2009

im going to get high

My unmedicated self. So yeah..
I havent been taking my medicine but Ive been saving them. Ive got like tweenty four pills (presciption meds- limictal), and some respidal. And Im going to take them all and see if I get a buzz. Yeah I know Im regressing, and breaking promises but Ive recently figured out that I was destined to do this shit. Ive inherited it. Whats the point in fighting who I am? Ive given up on me. I wanted to change because my family wanted me to change, but besides that I dont really want to change my life. I dont think Im doing anything wrong. So what if I get high everyday and get drunk sometimes? Who the hell cares? Its how I deal with things, whats wrong with that? Its not like Im killing myself. Im going to go back to doing stupid shit but I am sorry.

ive done something stupid

I know thats probably not a good way to start out a post, but whatever. So I havent been taking my medicine, and its really been affecting me. I had no idea how much stuff the medicine did for me. I didnt like it becuase it made me sad and it had some bad side effects, and I just all around hate having to take medicine and rely on it. But as soon as I stop taking it I go crazy, and start screwing up. That stuff kept me somewhat stable. I almost killed myself. And the evil inside of me comes out when i dont take it. Thats why im grounded. I become defiant, and just defy everyone and everything. But even though i know i should take my medicine im not going to. Id rather be living like this than stuck in one mood all the time. Im just going to have to deal with this, and get better self control. This is the person I am, and Im going to have to learn to live with myself. My unmedicated self, my true self. I am a bad person, but Im also going to change who I am. I know I can do it. And its going to be an interesting experince

Thursday, January 22, 2009

So father where the hell are you now?

This song basically puts into words how I feel about my father. It fits perfectly except in the song its about a father and son. My father left my mother when I was one. I havent seen or heard from him since. He doesnt send child support, even though hes supposed to. So my mom struggles and I dont like it. Im not sure if I hate the man for what hes done, becuase people make mistakes. I know I do, and Im a lot like him. I guess the difference is Im trying to get my life together and fix things, while hes not. Im not even sure if I want him in my life, hes hurt me and my family, but I also dont want to be the kind of person who harbors anger, and never be able to forgive him. I want to be able to forgive him. I would want him in my life if he decided to fix his. And I hope the day comes when he'll call or write or something, just make some effort to know his kid. And when that day comes Ill be there trying to forgive him. I also sorta hate him becasuse I inherited my disorders from him. And I know thats wrong, its not his fault, but still...
I cant help being mad at him for it, the disorders make life so hard for me.
I want to make him proud, or at least show him that its possible to change your life around. And Im just hoping that one day when I have my life together he'll come walking into my life with his straightened out. His life was a mess, he had a lot of problems too. And hes still going through it,
I dont want to be like that. I want to fix my life now before it gets that far. I dont want to end up like him. But I will make him proud.I know it might sound cold but I dont miss him. Its hard to miss someone you havent met and dont know. But I do miss not getting the chance to know him. I wonder if im destined to turn out like him. Were practically the same person, i have his complexion, hair color, eye color, his mind, his talents. Same situations, and life experiences. But he turned out badly. I dont want to end up like him, even though he is my father I dont want to be like him. I want to change my life and I want him to be like me and get his life together.Even if he never wanted to be apart of my life I still hope he fixes his life. Everybody deserves to have a good life.

senses fail family tradition

the video is weird but I really like song. It makes sense to me.

I tried to be the one that everybody loved
Where has that gotten me?
I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm someone
That I could never be
Now these unsightly marks define me
So help me, please someone come quick
I think I am losing it
Forgive me, I inherited this
From a stranger I'll never miss...
I'm sick.
My father taught me first hand how to be set free
Give up and runaway
I wish I could drain out his half of blood in me
But I'd still have his face
I curse reflections, everyday
So help me, please someone come quick
I think I am losing it
Forgive me, I inherited this
From a stranger I'll never miss...
Here is my own family tradition
Following footsteps into addiction
So is there a way that I can find peace
While still numbing my pain
Is this my fate?
Cause your only son still can't seem to find his way
So help me, please someone come quick
I think I am losing it
Forgive me, I inherited this
From a stranger I'll never miss.
So father where the hell are you now?
I think that you would be proud
Your son whos so unluckly
Fell right next to the tree
I hope your proud of me,I hope you're proud.


( I cant sleep, Im high so im doing this at one am. Sorry if I dont make much sense)

1. You are very honest with your profile and I admire your openness and have a great deal of respect for you after hearing your story. Which issues listed in your profile still bother you?

Mostly the things that bother I have to deal with everyday. Even though I dont really deal with them. I would have to say Im bothered by my father, my disorders, and myself. Im really my biggest problem in my life. Im the reason bad things happen. Its always my fault and can be traced back to me. I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. I guess I was born to screw up. Im just learning to live with myself. My true, unmedicated, fucked up self.

2. Which issues don't bother you anymore? What have you done to change yourself for the better?
All my issues still bother me. But I would have to say the abuse bothers me the least. Ive pushed it to the back of my mind. I dont think about it as often as I used to, and Im not having anymore nightmares. I would say Im over it, but Im not because Ive never really dealt with it, and I dont feel like ever dealing with it. I stopped overdoseing, getting drunk, and getting drunk and overdoseing (same time). And I think it changed me for the better. But Ive recently fallen back into it. So Im not sure if that counts... But Ive also stopped taking my prescibed medication. I did it to change for the better, but Im not sure if its really working out the way I intended it to.

3. You have archives that don't stretch to last year. Why did you start blogging in 2009? What do you hope to gain from this experience?

I started blogging in 2009 because I used to keep all this stuff to myself, and I felt like I was going to explode. Its like I needed to talk to someone, let someone know... Even if its some random person over the internet Ive never met before. It just feels so good to let it all out. Ive kept most of this stuff in my whole life. I also liked the idea of blogging because it was a way to help me come to terms with this stuff, because Ive never really dealt with it before. It was sort of like the first step of moving on with my life. Ive always feel like Im stuck, unable to move on. I hope by blogging Im able deal with some of my issues, and let some of the people that care about me know how Im coming along with my life.

4. How's school?

Well since I got kicked out of school and got placed into home hospital teaching things have been going pretty badly. I get some lady that comes to my house and gives me worksheets and textbooks. Basically I use the textbooks to look up answers for the worksheets. Pretty simple stuff, not very complicated. Well anway I started out getting A's and really trying my best, but now I really dont care anymore and have been getting D's and E's. Which is especially bad because I went from all honors to standard work. So Im failing standard work, thats just not me. And Ive lost most of my textbooks and worksheets that I needed... so yeah I hate school...

5. When the world goes all wrong, what would be a good idea is to look at the things that are right, good and beautiful. What about the world around you? In what ways is life good?

Life is good. Ive got amazing friends who would do anything and everything for me. And a family that loves me a supports my decisions (they let me stop taking my medicine). And they really just dont want to see me hurt and in pain. So I try my best to hide it from them. I dont wont to hurt them or make them worry...
recently whats also good about life is pills. Yeah I know I sound like a druggie but its true. Nothing like getting high and seeing how amazing the world is (even if its crashing down around you). Even taking pills and passing out for a little while is good. Life really is good.

If you’d like to play along, just follow these instructions:* Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (I won't post your email address in the comments.)* I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.* You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.* You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.* When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Monday, January 19, 2009


today i woke up and was out of it like usual, and i feel the feeling starting to leave me. but now im starting to feel sad. theres only a few more days of taking my medicine. i dont think it has helped. its a mood stabilizer. it helped a little because on antidepressents i just got more depressed before and now im just sad most of the time and happy once in a while. id rather have my mood out of control though. that way i would be happier more. Finding the right medicine is proving to be difficult. I had to wait forever to get up to my full dose, all along living my life the best i could. ive been taking my current medicine for a really long time now. i dont think it has helped. the next step is taking no medicine and see what happens. I might have to get used to the fact that i might always have to live like this.

Ahhhhhh right now Im so fucking angry. Everything just bothers me. Ive been fighting with my family, argueing, cursing, and yelling. Once again I have no idea why im mad. I just am. Im a completely different perosn when im angry. I scare myself. Ive completely trashed my room before. Ive punched walls until my knuckles bled. And said a lot of things i end up regretting. i feel like i have no control of myself, and my anger gets the better of me. I really dont want to take my anger out on my family, so i usually lock myself in my room and take my anger out on my self. But im trying to stop that too. So now i just listen to more metal when im angry, it seems to help. My mom said you chose to be angry, and you chose to let things upset you. But i get angry out of nowhere fast. i cant help it. I wish i was like other people. other people are able to calm themselves down,theyre able to relax. but i cant i get angry and stay angry for a long time. I hate this. im confused and i dont know what to do.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

sadness and football

Im going to watch football at my uncles house with my family. Im not really into football, and Im not sure what the rules are, but I think it will be fun. Two out of my three teams made it. The cardinals, and ravens. But not the broncos : [ my favorite team. Lol. My whole family is crazy about football. Especially the broncos, and cardinals. because they grew up in colorado, and arizona. And they like the ravens because now most of us live in maryland. : /
yeah weird stuff. Anyway its really nice to hang out with my family im just really alone and sad right now. I just hope I doont end up bringing them down with me. Im probably going to fake being happy so I make them happy. Im not sure if thats the right thing to do but yeah...
Ill probably post more later tonight.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


today im feeling better. For at least right now. Last night my mood was horrible. I managed cut some more, but besides that everything was fine. Well I just woke up and Im feeling numb, which I guess is better than feeling depressed. I just feel out of it. Like Im still dreaming adn none of this is real. Wow Im sorry Im not making any sense.

Friday, January 16, 2009

fucking friday

Im starting this blog thing just so I can keep track of my mood and see if my medicine is working. Oh yeah and to just ramble on about how my day went. Pretty boring stuff but still. This one is about a lesson I learned recently. Sometimes you have to fall down to appreciate whats up. I figured this one out by spinning in circles. Weird I know but I do it for the rush. It sucks have no pills and alcohol, but I make do. So anyway Im spinning around in circles. And I fall down. And I hit my head right on the concrete. So of course I was like fuck. And my eyes are closed and I just start cussing. Eventually I open my eyes and I see a cloud. Im not the kind of person who goes crazy over stupid stuff like clouds. But something about falling down and looking up at it made me smile. And i realized I would have never seen it if I hadnt fallen down. And even though my head hurt like hell I just kept on smiling. Yeah I know Im weird but I dont know...

So far my mood today was in the morning I was out of it. By lunch time I was really happy, dont know why. Its been about an hour and Ive come crashing down again. My mood swings happen really fast theres very little change time in between them. Right now I just want to die. Or atleast get high off something. I feel liek I have no control over my mood. And it feels liek my mood is running my life. Ive fallen behind in school, ive lost contact with friends, and I feel isolated from my family. But other times I just so freaking happy, I laugh at everything, keep smiling. And even bad news doesnt bring me down. I also get hyper, and I talk fast and my thoughts race. I just dont know how to deal with the things I feel. How am I supposed to not let them control me?