fucking friday

Im starting this blog thing just so I can keep track of my mood and see if my medicine is working. Oh yeah and to just ramble on about how my day went. Pretty boring stuff but still. This one is about a lesson I learned recently. Sometimes you have to fall down to appreciate whats up. I figured this one out by spinning in circles. Weird I know but I do it for the rush. It sucks have no pills and alcohol, but I make do. So anyway Im spinning around in circles. And I fall down. And I hit my head right on the concrete. So of course I was like fuck. And my eyes are closed and I just start cussing. Eventually I open my eyes and I see a cloud. Im not the kind of person who goes crazy over stupid stuff like clouds. But something about falling down and looking up at it made me smile. And i realized I would have never seen it if I hadnt fallen down. And even though my head hurt like hell I just kept on smiling. Yeah I know Im weird but I dont know...

So far my mood today was in the morning I was out of it. By lunch time I was really happy, dont know why. Its been about an hour and Ive come crashing down again. My mood swings happen really fast theres very little change time in between them. Right now I just want to die. Or atleast get high off something. I feel liek I have no control over my mood. And it feels liek my mood is running my life. Ive fallen behind in school, ive lost contact with friends, and I feel isolated from my family. But other times I just so freaking happy, I laugh at everything, keep smiling. And even bad news doesnt bring me down. I also get hyper, and I talk fast and my thoughts race. I just dont know how to deal with the things I feel. How am I supposed to not let them control me?