Friday, January 30, 2009

it never lasts

The feeling that makes you want to change. It comes so suddenly out of nowhere, and dissappears just as quickly. Im tired of this. I havent overdosed in two and a half days. Todays been hell. I see no point in feeling like this. Why would I want to feel like this? Why would anyone want to feel like this? If you had a choice between feeling bad and doing something that makes you feel good, wouldnt you choose the thing that makes you feel good? Well thats what pills are for me. Theyre an escape. Its what makes you feel good when everything else has failed. I really just want to take all the pills that have left. But somethings stopping me. Or its more of some people are stopping me. And Im mad at them for it. Theyre stopping me from doing what I want to do. From doing something that will make me happy. I dont know what to do


  1. Andrea, you said you want to feel good. I've been trying to tell you all along-there are other ways of feeling good. do you think if there weren't other options, ANYBODY would be happy? in your about me, you state "i'm going to change and make something of my life". well that works for the time being. but what about now? what are you doing to change yourself? it doesn't seem like anything. i understand how easy and relieving it feels to just be like...i'm not going to try anymore. what's the use? but i know you don't like thinking that way. and i know that you can do things to change, and be a whole person again. i know this is what you want, even if you can't admit it. i have analyzed you CONSTANTLY. you just don't see the way out. Do you get out? No i mean, do you REALLY get out? i'm not talking about with the dude who's going to try and rape you and give you drugs, because that's the worst friend i've ever heard of. No, I'm talking about getting out, going to the movies, quality time with your mother. and jesus christ andrea, i just KNOW she would love if you came up to her, and asked to go somewhere with her. I feel like you haven't had casual conversation with her in YEARS. You probably forget what it's like. Offer to go somehwere with her, be NORMAL again. I am finding through my own stuggles that normalcy is what replenishes our souls when we're hurting. the pills are a false comfort blanket. and how do i know this? because as soon as you're NOT high, you're upset again. and it will only continue to be like this until you do something about it. you have lost contact with me-i hope it is not for personal reasons. but i can only promise you, i'd do anything to get you in the right direction. you just have to believe in me.

  2. Andrea, I agree with you friend in a lot of respects. But I also know that chances are he said a lot of things that you've probably heard a thousand times and have grown tired of hearing.
    If this is not the case, I hope that you listen to him.

    He is right, in the respect that you have found yourself stuck in a loop. A destructive loop where half is you being depressed/a captive of your illness, and in the other half is the you who desperately wants to be happy. In that half you cut, take pills, get drunk, anything to keep you away from the depression.
    What you must know is that this loop you are stuck in will not go anywhere but around in circles. Unless you find a way to break it.
    Yes, it is easier to not try. But only easier in the short term. When you look at your future life what seems easier, happiness or misery?
    I know RIGHT now it is easier to be miserable, to let everything control you, but in the future happiness will always be the easier choice.
    I know that striving towards happiness is hard. And I know that I don't understand just how hard it is for you. But it is possible.
    Little steps at a time is what it takes. You cannot expect it all to change at once. You will have horrible days. Probably still a great many to come. But to hope for something good, to experience something good, all of the horrible days are worth it for those good moments. And it is those good moments that allow you to know that you are changing, in a positive way.
    Take small steps Andrea.
    As I once heard, "healing is not a linear process."

    Take care of yourself.
    I wish you all the best.

  3. Andrea, getting high will make you feel good for a few hours. Afterward, it is just your pissed off reactions magnified by drugs. There are medicines made for that euphoric feelings. I know someone that was depressed, but the anti-depressants they were taking made it worse. They said something about it and got the right medicine. It really helped.