Thursday, January 22, 2009

So father where the hell are you now?

This song basically puts into words how I feel about my father. It fits perfectly except in the song its about a father and son. My father left my mother when I was one. I havent seen or heard from him since. He doesnt send child support, even though hes supposed to. So my mom struggles and I dont like it. Im not sure if I hate the man for what hes done, becuase people make mistakes. I know I do, and Im a lot like him. I guess the difference is Im trying to get my life together and fix things, while hes not. Im not even sure if I want him in my life, hes hurt me and my family, but I also dont want to be the kind of person who harbors anger, and never be able to forgive him. I want to be able to forgive him. I would want him in my life if he decided to fix his. And I hope the day comes when he'll call or write or something, just make some effort to know his kid. And when that day comes Ill be there trying to forgive him. I also sorta hate him becasuse I inherited my disorders from him. And I know thats wrong, its not his fault, but still...
I cant help being mad at him for it, the disorders make life so hard for me.
I want to make him proud, or at least show him that its possible to change your life around. And Im just hoping that one day when I have my life together he'll come walking into my life with his straightened out. His life was a mess, he had a lot of problems too. And hes still going through it,
I dont want to be like that. I want to fix my life now before it gets that far. I dont want to end up like him. But I will make him proud.I know it might sound cold but I dont miss him. Its hard to miss someone you havent met and dont know. But I do miss not getting the chance to know him. I wonder if im destined to turn out like him. Were practically the same person, i have his complexion, hair color, eye color, his mind, his talents. Same situations, and life experiences. But he turned out badly. I dont want to end up like him, even though he is my father I dont want to be like him. I want to change my life and I want him to be like me and get his life together.Even if he never wanted to be apart of my life I still hope he fixes his life. Everybody deserves to have a good life.

senses fail family tradition

the video is weird but I really like song. It makes sense to me.



I tried to be the one that everybody loved
Where has that gotten me?
I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm someone
That I could never be
Now these unsightly marks define me
So help me, please someone come quick
I think I am losing it
Forgive me, I inherited this
From a stranger I'll never miss...
I'm sick.
My father taught me first hand how to be set free
Give up and runaway
I wish I could drain out his half of blood in me
But I'd still have his face
I curse reflections, everyday
So help me, please someone come quick
I think I am losing it
Forgive me, I inherited this
From a stranger I'll never miss...
Here is my own family tradition
Following footsteps into addiction
So is there a way that I can find peace
While still numbing my pain
Is this my fate?
Cause your only son still can't seem to find his way
So help me, please someone come quick
I think I am losing it
Forgive me, I inherited this
From a stranger I'll never miss.
So father where the hell are you now?
I think that you would be proud
Your son whos so unluckly
Fell right next to the tree
I hope your proud of me,I hope you're proud.

1 comment:

  1. Check this and this out if you have the time...

    Fathers do that to you. I have eleven people that I can call a 'close friend', and six of them have father issues. Fathers walk out, fathers treat mothers poorly, fathers commit adultery, fathers get drunk and smoke, fathers do all sorts of things. I can empathize with you. Just keep in mind that you are you, and that you don't need to rely on the hope of him coming back to have a good life.

    Michael.

    ReplyDelete