monday

today i woke up and was out of it like usual, and i feel the feeling starting to leave me. but now im starting to feel sad. theres only a few more days of taking my medicine. i dont think it has helped. its a mood stabilizer. it helped a little because on antidepressents i just got more depressed before and now im just sad most of the time and happy once in a while. id rather have my mood out of control though. that way i would be happier more. Finding the right medicine is proving to be difficult. I had to wait forever to get up to my full dose, all along living my life the best i could. ive been taking my current medicine for a really long time now. i dont think it has helped. the next step is taking no medicine and see what happens. I might have to get used to the fact that i might always have to live like this.

Ahhhhhh right now Im so fucking angry. Everything just bothers me. Ive been fighting with my family, argueing, cursing, and yelling. Once again I have no idea why im mad. I just am. Im a completely different perosn when im angry. I scare myself. Ive completely trashed my room before. Ive punched walls until my knuckles bled. And said a lot of things i end up regretting. i feel like i have no control of myself, and my anger gets the better of me. I really dont want to take my anger out on my family, so i usually lock myself in my room and take my anger out on my self. But im trying to stop that too. So now i just listen to more metal when im angry, it seems to help. My mom said you chose to be angry, and you chose to let things upset you. But i get angry out of nowhere fast. i cant help it. I wish i was like other people. other people are able to calm themselves down,theyre able to relax. but i cant i get angry and stay angry for a long time. I hate this. im confused and i dont know what to do.