drugged out panda

I wasnt able to fall asleep until 6:00 am. Then I slept till 8:00 am. Im not very tired... still look like a drugged out panda... I overdosed on some over the counter stuff (no prescription yet). Im debating wheither (sp) or not to overdose some more or if I should take a break from yesterday. I dont want to push my luck or anything... hmmmm... But I really want to do it. The good part of the trip was fucking amazing. The bad part was terrifying at first but then that became tolerable and almost fun... But I could do without coughing up the blood. I cant get the taste of blood out of my mouth. It fucked me up for a day, but now I feel better... Im ready to do it again.

its 10:00 pm:

Pills fuck you up. Anybody thinking about overdosing please dont. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite...its just that you dont want to end up like me. If youre going to do it then make sure its what you really want. You have to want it. You have to know its going to fuck you up and still want it anyway. Im overdosing because I love it and I know its fucking me up... but I want it to. Yeah I know Im selfdestructive... When Im all fucked up I feel like shit... but then afterwards I look back on it and laugh. And Im even starting to enjoy this fucked up feeling. I dont know... Im high now I dont think Im making much sense. Oh well... anyway... Im going to take three times my prescription meds again and overdose some more on the headache medicine. I want this, and I dont want to stop.

So far Ive passed out three times.I still cant make my body do what I want it to do. And everytime I walk I collaspe. lol my stomaches killing me. I fucking deserve it. Im losing touch with reality but its pretty fun... Im laughing at everything but I need to calm down... my friends are starting to realize somethings going on with me. And they cant find out, they freaked out when they found out I was a cutter. And I know its because they care. But they shouldnt care. When you care about things you get hurt. They handled it badly, but I guess Im being unfair they have no experice with this kind of thing and theyre doing the best they can... Still I wish people would stop caring about me, all I do is hurt them yet they still love me... I dont get it. One of these days Im going to push them to far and Im going to lose them. Its like what do I have to do to make them finally give up on me... they shouldnt care

Alkaline trio- private eye. lol i got that song stuck in my head...



theres no ring, no ring on the phone anymore. theres no reason to call im passed out on the floor. smoked myself stupid and drank my insides rasin dry. I wont have to quit doing fucked up shit for anyone but me.